If I Should Stay
by ThnksFrThMmrs87
Summary: A series of short stories inspired by the music of Alexz Johnson. Stella and Flack with some others thrown in here and there
1. Liar Liar

Note From The Author—As is common with me, I was listening to a CD and was struck with another idea. This will be a great deal like Melanger and the two Awake pieces. What I'm doing is taking my favorite lyrics from my favorite songs by Alexz Johnson on Instant Star and writing a very short story for each lyric; potentially various pairings but obviously more focused on Stella and Flack. If you've never heard her music I very strongly suggest it; her voice is gorgeous, and the show was very good, if not a little cheesy from time to time : ) Enjoy

Disclaimer—I don't own the characters of CSI: NY or the music of Alexz Johnson on the television show Instant Star.

_Tell me you love me like a star_

_Tell me you want me wherever you are_

_Tell me you'll breathe me 'til your last breath_

_Liar, liar- _Liar Liar, Instant Star Season Two Soundtrack

Everything was hazy, lost to a cloud of lust and stolen promises. Stella couldn't remember how they had gotten there, but she didn't care. Clothing had melted away, inhibitions fled, and for a moment all she could hear was the mantra pounding in her head: _This is it. This. Him_. Her breathing was ragged as Don's hands dragged up her body, head thrown back as her throaty moan echoed through the room. How long had she been waiting for this, exactly this?

"What do you want Stell?"

God, that voice. It was that voice and those electric blue eyes of his that had landed them there; half naked, pressed up against her door. It was the way he had looked at her, and the way his voice had deepened with desire as he said her name.

"Stell," he persisted. "What do you want?"

"Everything," she whispered. "I want it all." His mouth was on her neck, his hands everywhere, and she knew she should have been content. Still her traitorous mouth opened again. "Lie to me; tell me you need me, tell me you love me."

Don's hand fisted in her hair at the back of her head, pulling her gently up so he could look in her eyes; what she saw there made her knees go weak before he said another word. Then he spoke.

"It wouldn't be a lie."


	2. White Lines

_I held you in my arms last night_

_I dreamed we were riding on a star_

_I kissed you and the sun began to shine_

_In dreams I can do anything_- White Lines, Instant Star Season 2 Soundtrack

It was so painfully real. There she was, gliding towards him in a white dress with her eyes searching only for him. The scene changed almost as soon as it began and she was in his arms, clinging to him in the afterglow and telling him how much she loved him. But that moment sped away too, and then she was standing in front of him with a hand resting on her hugely pregnant belly. His heart swelled as she reached out and took his hand to press it over the new life they had created there.

Even in dreams he couldn't find the words. The moments flew by to quickly, and every time he was prepared to speak she was gone, only to be replaced by another vision. They were all gone too fast, making his head spin and his heart ache. If only he could stay there.

But as usual, Flack woke alone in bed swearing he could feel the pain of losing her over and over every night. It was possible for all of those things he saw to happen, though likely only in his dreams. He had never been able to tell her, and wasn't sure he'd ever be able to. So despite the ache they brought, he relished those dreams. Only there could he have everything he wanted, even Stella Bonasera.


	3. Temporary Insanity

Note From The Author-- Did anyone else who watched last night's episode go all melty and squee like a fangirl when they saw that adorable/sweet Stella and Flack moment? I sure did : ) This one was written prior to me seeing the episode but I figured it was appropriate to be the next one up, all things considered

_Its temporary insanity_

_What's going on with you and me._

_Is it real or is it fantasy?_

_Forever, or just temporary?_- Temporary Insanity, Instant Star Season 1 Soundtrack

Don Flack was many things, some of them wonderful, some not so good. He wasn't, however, stupid; a fact that a great deal of the NYPD couldn't seem to grasp. It wasn't that they actually thought that he was an idiot, but they certainly thought that he didn't hear them talking.

Him and Stella, whatever thing they had going on, had come as a complete surprise. They had been in his car, headed out to a scene, and she asked him out. Don remembered that he had just about lost all powers of speech before agreeing, and they had been… well, whatevering for a couple of months.

But New York's finest liked to talk, and half the station had actually bet money that Stella and Don wouldn't last to a year. After all, he was younger than her, and the job wasn't exactly on their side; not to mention the fact that no one ever saw their affection in public. Flack tried not to let it bother him, but there were times he honestly wondered if his colleagues thought that his relationship had suddenly rendered him deaf.

When Stella found out she was aggravated no end. It annoyed her that everyone thought it was okay to gossip behind their backs, and that they thought they wouldn't get caught; actually that they thought it was their business at all. So she decided to do something about it; and the first time she walked into the station and planted one on him they all shut up pretty damn quick.


	4. I Don't Know If I Should Stay

_I ran to you like water,_

_I threw my body in._

_And I'll stand up on the ocean_

_Just to show you that I am strong, strong,_

_But what if I am wrong?_- I Don't Know If I Should Stay, Instant Star Season 3 Soundtrack

Looking back, Don figured he should have known that Stella would spook. She had come to him, she had initiated their relationship; but when it started to get serious…. Well it shouldn't have surprised him. Things tended to go south in Stella's relationships when it got serious. As much as he had hoped that it would all be different with them, he knew from the beginning that it wasn't likely.

Stella had gotten distant, they had walked away from it, and Flack had spent over a week of nights wallowing at home. He figured wallow looked good on him. That was how he tried to justify the fact that he was acting like a teenage girl, anyway; at least that's how Danny had put it.

Don didn't even hear the front door open, but somehow Stella was suddenly in front of him. "I chose you," she said firmly.

Okay, now he was just confused. "Stell what…?"

She was already steamrolling over him, and pacing as she went. "I chose you. I came to you and we started something; but then we were headed in a direction that scared me, and I didn't know what to do."

"Stell…"

But she was off again. "I walked away to prove to myself and to you that I could do things without you, and that I didn't need you in my life to be happy, because I thought I'd be losing something if I did need you but…"

She trailed off, leaving Don hanging. "Stell, of all the times to quit talking this would be a really bad one."

"But…" She turned to fully face him and took a deep breath. "What if I was wrong?"

He was on his feet almost instantly, and she was in his arms only moments later. All discussion was cut off as his mouth came down on hers.

"Yeah," she told him between kisses. "I was wrong."

"How's it feel to be wrong for once Bonasera?" he questioned teasingly.

Stella pulled back to look in his eyes, grinning. "Pretty fantastic."


	5. Let Me Fall

_I wanna lose control,_

_I'm not afraid to lose it all._

_Let me break, let me crawl_

'_Cause I'll get back up again_

_If you let me fall_- Let Me Fall, Instant Star Season 1 Soundtrack

When he woke at one in the morning to the sound of his cell phone ringing Flack couldn't help but think that he should probably just give up. There were certain hours during which the rest of the rational world was sleeping, and Don had quickly realized that being a cop would mean that he wouldn't be one of those rational people.

He groped blindly for his cell phone, growling when it didn't give. Yanking the charger said phone was attached to out of the wall solved that problem rather expediently; and moments later he had it pressed against his ear. "Detective Flack."

"Hey Don."

Stella's voice was certainly not the one he'd been expecting, and he found it made the fog lift a little bit. "Stell, is everything okay?"

She sighed. "Okay is all relative I guess."

Worry came quickly on the heels of confusion and he sat up, scrubbing his hand over his face. "Stell what's wrong?"

"I'm fine; it's not anything life threatening and I didn't mean to worry you but… Is it okay if I come over there?"

He nodded, silently cursing when he realized she couldn't see him. "Yeah, it's fine. Be careful."

"I'll be there in a few minutes," she said quietly.

By the time Stella knocked on the door he was up, as close to dressed as you could get at one thirty in pajamas, and had tea brewing. When he opened the door to her the first thing he noticed was that she looked like she hadn't slept in days. "You look like hell," he said with a wry smile.

The smile she offered in return was just as ironic. "Well you know me."

They settled at his kitchen table with tea and though he didn't want to push, Don couldn't help but wonder what was going on. He and Stella were very good friends and he'd felt something else edge in along with friendship a while back, but she wasn't particularly prone to calling or showing up on his doorstep at all hours of the night. That along with the fact that she looked miserable made him worry. "Stell what's going on?"

Where she had been looking down at the table, now she raised her eyes to meet his. "I realized something the other day, and I've been thinking about it ever since."

"What?" he questioned, leaning forward. "How can I help?"

A hysterical giggle bubbled up before she could stop it. "Oh God, that's such a loaded question right now."

"Stell." He was beyond worried now, edging in on panicked. "You're freaking me out here. What's going on? What did you realize?"

Stella found it necessary to breathe in as deeply as she could before letting out the words that had the potential to be life altering. Then her eyes met his, and she braced herself for the dive off the cliff. "I want you," she said quietly.

It wasn't easy to render Don Flack speechless, but Stella had managed to do it rather effectively. "Have you been drinking?" He knew the words were asinine the minute they came out of his mouth.

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Why, because you think it's impossible that I could want you sober? What kind of logic is that?"

"That's not…Shit." Flack expelled a frustrated breath. "Stell that's not what I… You've got to understand I'm in kind of a strange position here."

She watched as he got up and started to pace. "Tell me about it," she said under her breath.

"Look at this from my point of view here Stella. This is a lot to take in and…" He dropped gracelessly back into his chair. "Christ you've got me tipped completely sideways."

"Welcome to my world," Stella said with a smile. It was new, but the confused rambling was sort of adorable. Standing, she walked over and stood in front of him. "Do me a favor, and just tell me exactly what you're feeling."

Don shook his head as he looked up at her from his chair. "Okay, first of all wow; second of all… Stell the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you."

"And why would this revelation of mine all of the sudden cause you to hurt me?"

"I don't know," he sighed.

"I do," she told him. "You figure that because of the way that your last few relationships have ended, this one will too. Devon didn't last, you and Jess had a falling out, but I'm different. This is different Don."

He wanted her to be right, but he still had his doubts. "What's so different? I'm still the same person."

She nodded. "I know you are, and that's exactly why I want you." There was that phrase again. "Don I realized that this feeling really isn't new. I've been ignoring it, we've both been ignoring it actually; and I just realized that I'm sick of being so cautious and worried about everything. I'm not afraid to put it all on the line or to take a risk. If something goes wrong, if we fall flat on our faces, there's always a way to stand back up. I want this, I want you. The only question is do you feel the same way?"

"You know what I would do for you, Stell."

"Do I?" she asked him, her eyes shining with interest.

Flack shook his head. "I guess you don't." He stood, and when he pulled her gently into his arms it felt inexplicably yet perfectly right. "So ask me."

A delicious little shiver ran up her spine. "What would you do for me, Don?"

He leaned down, so close that she expected their lips to touch. But he stopped just short of her mouth, and every fiber of her being was practically vibrating with the urge to close the distance between them. His breath whispered against her skin as he spoke just before he finally made that distance disappear. "Anything."

Note From The Author— Well, so much for the whole short thing : )I had never really realized until I started this story that the themes of Alexz Johnson's songs are very similar; or at least my favorite songs are incredibly similar. Sort of angst ridden but lending an air of hope; but I figure that whole thing works for Don and Stella. Hope you're enjoying either way.


	6. Where Does It Hurt

_Where does it hurt?_

_Tell me, 'cause I understand_

_The words of a heart_

_Beating like wings in my hand_- Where Does It Hurt? Instant Star Season Three Soundtrack

Over the years Stella had found that time stood still in desperate situations. Time had slowed to a crawl for her when she had taken those shots to take Frankie down, and when she had discovered that Mac and Don were trapped in the rubble of that building the world had stopped turning for one brief and frighteningly bright moment.

It was like that for her when Don got shot. Their routine day had taken a terrifying turn with the crack of a gunshot. Her heart stopped and the world receded to a pin point as Don fell with a bullet in his chest.

Stella had been the one to hold pressure on the wound, the one to talk to him and tease him to keep him awake, and the one to ride with him in the ambulance. When he lost consciousness she couldn't seem to stop the tears, but she never lost control. It was only when they took him into surgery and she stood in the waiting room alone with the rest of the team still en route that she felt herself lose her grip.

She was crying uncontrollably when Lindsay got there, and the younger woman had guided her to the bathroom where they held on to each other and cried themselves out. The others were there when they came back, and together they waited in fear.

Good news had come, he was going to be fine, and Stella was sure she had never been more relieved in her life. It was the next day before they would let her see him, but when she finally went in he was awake and waiting for her.

"Hey," she said, tears in her eyes and her throat constricted.

"Hey."

He was so pale, his eyes looking too blue and his hair too dark next to his skin. Her eyes found the bandage on his chest and her breathing hitched. "You're okay."

Don nodded. "I'm okay, and you're crying; I can't handle it when you cry."

"Give me a bit of a break," she said as she walked over to settle on the edge of the bed. "I think watching your husband get shot is a bit of a harrowing experience."

"True. I'm going to be fine Stell, doctor says so."

Stella nodded, tears still falling. "Yeah, but I didn't know that."

"Come here." He held his hand out as best he could hampered by the wires and gizmos they had him hooked up to, and she settled carefully against his side, far away from the gunshot wound. "We're going to be okay Stell."

"Tell that to my heart once it stops hurting," she suggested.

He smiled down at her. "I will, and we'll make it better."

She shook her head. "My heart will be better as soon as you're better. That's what I want."

"I think we can do that."

"Good." She leaned up to kiss his cheek. "I would have hated having to kick your ass otherwise."

"That's my girl."

Note From The Author—So cheesy; but I guess I was just in a cheesetastic mood. : )


	7. How I Feel

_I'm drowning in emotion_

_In the middle of the ocean._

_Never knowing when it's over_

_And I'm going down._

_That's how I feel_- How I Feel, Instant Star Season 2 Soundtrack

It had been the day from hell, and all Stella wanted to do was go home and rest. She had used her gun more than once, always with good reason, but it never got any easier.

She had taken a life that day; she knew there hadn't been another option, but it didn't make her any less upset. The woman had been sick and unstable, holding a shotgun to her ex-husband's head; Stella and Danny had both drawn their weapons, and when the time had come and there had been no other choice, had both taken the shot. Stella's bullet had been the one to kill the woman.

They would deem it a good shoot, that was almost certain. Still, Danny and Stella were going through the motions like always, and she was home at three in the afternoon feeling like a complete wreck. By the time the doorbell rang she had already given into fatigue and was in her sweats when she opened the door to Danny.

"You know," she said with a bit of a smile. "I thought I had convinced everyone to give me some time. Even Don listened to me, and we both know how rare that is when I'm feeling this way and he's worried."

Danny returned the smile. "Well, Don's the boyfriend; you can threaten him with a lot more than me."

"True." Stella turned from the door and walked into the apartment, assuming he would follow her. "So, come to check on me?"

"You're a friend, Stella. It was a rough day, and I wanted to make sure you were doing okay."

She shook her head. "I wouldn't call it okay, but I'm dealing."

He knew she was avoiding the issue, as she often did when she was feeling vulnerable and clearly heartsick. "So how do you feel?"

"That's a loaded question." She had been futzing with a tea pot, not really intending to do much with it, but now she turned to look at him again. "At the moment, a bit like I'm falling apart. Guilty, because even though I know that we had no choice, that woman was ill. That's how I feel."

Danny sighed. "It's a hard thing Stella. We did what we had to; doesn't make it easier, doesn't make it simple."

Stella nodded. "I know, but I can't seem to help feeling this way."

"Yeah, I get that. Need a friend?"

She knew he was perfectly aware that charming smile of his was hard to say no to, but she found that just as usual it really didn't bother her. She thought she had needed some time to herself, but maybe what she really needed was someone who felt exactly what she was going through. "Yeah," she told him with a smile. "I could use a friend."

Note From the Author—This particular chapter went through several different revisions, particularly in regards to who would show up at the apartment. First it was Mac, then Don, then Mac again; and finally, I landed on Danny. I certainly hope that I made the best final choice, as I fretted over it forever.


End file.
